Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
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If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.