Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
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Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”