Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
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We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
there has never been a better use of this meme
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I’m already scared
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
#parenting
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”