There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
You Might Also Like
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.