doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
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Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
😅😅😅
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?