Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
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Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman