Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
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No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.