My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
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[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.