Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
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On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich