My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
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My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
“TGIM!” – My liver
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”