I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
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“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Are these grass-fed oranges?
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*