I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
You Might Also Like
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Shoo shoo! 😂
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.