Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
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Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.