How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
You Might Also Like
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.