When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
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My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Smile they said.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!