My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
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Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.