We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
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Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them