i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
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ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Follow me for more life hacks.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Isn’t
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*