Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
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Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.