Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
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“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
#Caturday
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Admin smashed it 😂
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor