When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
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Woke up with morning Yule Log
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I’m not lazy
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels