*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I drew y’all a little something.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”