Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
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Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.