Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
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if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.