*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
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Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone