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I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Spring of Deception
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue