Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
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Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Why I divorced her.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Dishonest mechanic?
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff