Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
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wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Breaking news:
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.