Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
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A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore