HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
You Might Also Like
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
remember
only for emergencies
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
let’s discuss
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen