“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
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Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.