you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
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my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Why is this me 😫
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.