“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
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The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
The internet is full of many things
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
#winning
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.