As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
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I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.