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I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.