Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
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Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.