Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
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Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order