sin harder.
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8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
*bites zombie*
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.