How and why my FUR ROOM exists
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These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Called it
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.