My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
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This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
My life in a nutshell
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.