Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
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Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”