I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
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Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No