A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.