[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
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me trying to get a bartender’s attention
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys