Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
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And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
You’ll be OK
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia