*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
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I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
where the womens at?
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
A small tragedy.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?