“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
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[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?