Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
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The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”