Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
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Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer