A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
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Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
How high do the levels go?
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.